Calloused

I have been working in the office for five straight weeks now and I have probably worked with 35 different clients. This means for the most part that I have heard the stories and situations of that many people and probably about half of these I have met with more than once. Almost everyone has it pretty rough, and are in situations that I would in no way, desire to be in. There are a variety of needs from needing to find a place to stay, work, etc. Most have financial burdens that play a factor some how and there are always some that are worse than others. As I may or may not have already posted, there was one lady who came in and told me she was living with her cousin in a subsidized apartment complex, but legally she was not suppose to be there and she needed a bed for the night and was willing to stay almost anywhere. This meant that she would need to stay in a shelter for anywhere from 1 night (best case scenario) to anywhere to a couple months until she could find a more permanent place to stay. What I didn't fully realize until working here and hearing all of the stories, at least two of the biggest shelters in New Haven are pretty bad. They unfortunately are places where the use of drugs and theft are both common practices. We spent an hour calling about 13 different emergency shelters. Unfortunately we were facing all kind of difficulties, one of them including people going home early for the 4th and being unable to help us with the coming holiday. (For some reason, people don't need emergency shelters on holidays...) I wish I could say that it ended on a happy note and that we were able to locate a shelter with a bed (or cot) open. But truth be told, we had to call it a day and we were supposed to continue the search on monday (as it was a Thursday befor the 4th). I have not seen her since... There are times when I am concerned about her, wondering where she might be sleeping or if she has a roof over her head, but most of the time, I simply don't care. When I say that I don't care, it's not that I don't care about her well-being. It's just that I have begun to realize the professional "distance" that is put in place for us volunteering there and I am trying to process the benefits and downfalls of this separation.

It's hard for me to grasp with the necessity of this distance. But, at the same time, if I worried about everyone that I tried to help, I would not be able to sleep at night. The truth is, I care about the people that I am getting to know and that is one of the reasons I decided to take this job: so that I could get to know people and their stories and hopefully help them in some slight way to get a hold of a better life. But before you think I am some self-righteous person, I don't care enough to do anything extra.

When I first started working here, we met a couple of case workers or social workers who had been doing this for so many years. It seems that a common trend for social workers is that they become so jaded that the clients, in a way, become just cases and situations, and not real people. This clearly isn't the case for all, but from what is an inexperienced perspective, I would say that this is a common trend. I am not just pointing the finger because I see myself in a similar fashion. In fact, after only 5 weeks of working in the office, I feel that i am becoming calloused. I have become so used to hearing stories of poverty and desperation that it doesn't shock me anymore and more importantly, it doesn't impact me that much. Granted, I am able to ask more intelligent questions, (notice I said MORE because who knows if they are intelligent) that deal with the issues more directly, but it is clear that I am almost falling into a rhythm. A example that shows this really clearly is just in the few minutes going to and fro work. I walk about 4 1/2 blocks to get to work from the train station to work and vice versa. For some reason, at least every other day, in those 4 1/2 blocks, people ask me for money, food, or any other handouts. It used to be that I would pause, look them in the eye, say no and that I was sorry and go on. In some instances, I would stop and ask them their situation, explaining that I work for NSP and briefly what it does. Then I would explain to them that I might be able to help them but I wasn't going to give them money, but they should stop by and I would try to help them find a job or place to stay. This is becoming more of a rare case though. I more frequently pass by without giving them the time of day, some times not even looking at them and just saying a quick "no, sorry" as I pass by in order to make the train. It is sad to me that it has been so easy for to become calloused or jaded, or whatever you want to call it. This makes me wonder if this is the common trend...

Questions...

Is it common for people to naturally distance themselves from the hurt and pain from the world even when they are immersed in it? Is this the reason that most people, even most people in the church don't seem to care about those living in poverty?

Do we make a decision (either consciously or subconsciously) to not involve ourselves with the needs of the marginalized because it is too much of a burden on us? Will we ever learn how to change these misaligned structures, if we don't immerse ourselves in them and learn the shortcomings?

Will we ever be the church in its truest sense to give COMPLETELY of ourselves. Can i give everything without it killing me? Is a professional distance necessary? Or is it just an excuse?

If the gospel isn't being brought to the poor with our actions, what are we doing? Who are we reaching?

Anyways, these are just some honest reflections and things that I am pondering. I apologize if it seems a little down or not very insightful, but I think it reflects the necessity to just be honest sometimes. Please feel free to respond, if you so desire.